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Old 09-18-2005, 10:08 AM   #1
IslandGirl
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Grieving

Why is it that this society seems to tell people who are grieving that they must move on and 'get over it?' Someone told me this 3 weeks after my father died. It's been two months since he passed away and I'm amazed when people say things like 'have you found closure?' How does one close their feelings for the person they loved dearly in a couple of weeks or months? I don't think it's wrong to still cry at this point in time. I was in church last night and one of the hymns that was daddy's favourite was being sun. Of course my eyes got all misty and I had to choke back the tears.

Isn't that normal? Or am I supposed to just walk around thinking positive thoughts and being happy all the time to help society feel more comfortable? I say a good crying isn't bad, and if people can't handle that then they're the ones with the problem. It's not like I break down and cry at work or anything like that, but obviously my heart is broken and it will take TIME to heal.

Or am I wrong?
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Old 09-18-2005, 10:44 AM   #2
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My mother-in-law has been gone for three years and my father-in-law for two and my wife still cries on mother's day and father's day. And it is usually the same on their birthdays. Even though I am not personally a crier, I think about my baby sister quite often and she has been gone for 21 years. Love is a strong bond that causes us to continue missing those we have loved and lost. There is no set time limit. We all react in the way our heart tells us. I often envy those of you who can have that emotional release.

Those who say such things are not trying to be cruel, though. They believe they are giving you good advise. Their intentions are good. They just don't understand that each of us grieves in his or her own way.
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Old 09-18-2005, 11:00 AM   #3
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My mother died in December of 1999, and I still cry and miss her very much. My very best friend passed away Feb. of 2004, and it still breaks my heart every time I see something with Elvis (She was a huge fan). This week I lost three people. My deceased friend (see above) mother in law died and she was a wonderful lady, her daughter (see above) died at the age of 25, and her father (who was friends with my dad). Who has the right to tell you to get over it, in my opinion no one. Days go by and life goes on, but it still hurts.
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Old 09-18-2005, 02:15 PM   #4
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No...you are not wrong. Goodness....I would worry about someone who could get over a death in a months time. When my Dad passed away suddenly over 15 years ago....it took me at LEAST a year to even get over the day that he died....that moment flashed thru my mind hourly. It was horrible, but in time...it got better. I will tell you this....anytime anyone asks me how long it takes to get over greiving....I simply answer..."time, for me a very long. long time".

Two months for me was just as fresh as the day it happened. Don't feel badly, don't let anyone make you feel that there is something wrong with you. These people may have simply never lost someone that they loved so much, so they don't understand, but I imagine that they are trying to help.

IslandGirl, I am so very sorry for your loss. I still miss my Dad everyday... but, things do get better, I can just about promise. Take care.
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Old 09-18-2005, 04:44 PM   #5
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Grieving

Seems to me that the time required "to heal" would vary immensely from individual to individual for a variety of reasons. One variable would be the level of closeness that one had with the person lost. Not everyone is equally close to their mother or father and so it seems to me a normal thing for people to vary in how long they grieve for the lost parent. It would also seem logical to me that the grieving process may differ in some ways from individual to individual. When I lost my Dad 14 months ago, the tears did not come at the funeral. They came months later at visits to his grave site and while just driving in my car and thinking about how much I miss him and his wisdom. The pain is diminishing with time and my thoughts about my Dad are turning more into warm thoughts of appreciation for what he did for me and what I learned from him. So IslandGirl, I wish you well as you go through the grieving process. And unless you have locked yourself in a room and are refusing to resume activities you did before you lost your father, then I would't worry too much about others who might question the normalcy of your grieving process. That's just my opinion. God Bless.

Last edited by slbtrout52; 09-18-2005 at 04:49 PM. Reason: correct spelling
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Old 09-18-2005, 06:59 PM   #6
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I just wanted to chime in since I do have my Mortuary Science degree and spent 8 years working in the industry. We were ALWAYS tought that grieving actually lasts forever. Sometimes it is barely noticeable and other times it overwhelsm us. They put it is terms of a rollar coaster, sometimes it is just straight track and other times a huge hill to climb and then come down from.

For me personally, I lost my grandfather last year. The day of his Mass the funeral home had something come up, so instead of being with my family that day, I had to "work" the service. I am not sure if I can say that I have yet to properely grieve for that experience.

I think you are just fine, sometimes the feeling will be less other days more.
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Old 09-18-2005, 08:01 PM   #7
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Today, I went to the funeral of my 25 year old friend who passed away on Thursday. She had lupus and it didn't feel real. Just my thoughts were whenever you have someone speaking/preaching the funeral, you should at least get someone who knows the deceased and is able to make the grieving know that. The preacher that did her funeral was from her grandmother's church. He actually read the information about her from the obituary that was in the paper. The music wasn't her "style". The preacher didn't show up until about 5 minutes before the services were to start. He didn't even take the time to talk to her friends and family to find out some personal information about her. He just read a couple of scriptures and read her obit. And kept talking about how we should just remember her in our own ways. Why couldn't he asked people questions about her just for respect for her? Grief lasts a lifetime. I "joke" with hubby about how I can't even watch our wedding video because so many people that were there and were in our wedding have died since we got married. No amount of time stops grieving or the pain of loss you have when a loved one dies.

I had a "friend" back in high school, she was supposed to be one of my best who told me to get over it when my aunt died. We are not friends anymore. Days pass and it does get easier, but it never stops.

I apologize if I offended anyone. I am having a bad week.
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Old 09-18-2005, 08:27 PM   #8
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ISLANDGIRL AND GINA YOU BOTH HAVE THE RIGHT TO CRY. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES. IF YOU WANT TO SCREAM JUST DO IT.ANYTIME YOU FEEL LIKE IT. I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. APRIL THE 27TH 1995 I LOST MY DAUGHTER. IT FEELS LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY.
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Old 09-19-2005, 08:09 AM   #9
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It does get easier but it's always there. My grandmother who was one of my best friends passed away 10 years ago. Sometimes something reminds me of her and I may cry or get really sad or really happy thinking about her. This isn't every day anymore just every once in a while. Another thing is sometimes I actually head to the phone to tell her something and I realize that I can't. That doesn't happen very often anymore but sometimes I just think how great it would be to tell her what's going on. I also get really sad when I realize my kids never got to know her they 've missed out on a great lady.
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Old 09-19-2005, 09:08 AM   #10
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I think jrnew was taught right - the grieving never ends.

I haven't lost my parents yet - but I have no idea how I'll handle that. I get teary thinking about it..

A few years ago my son lost his best friend at age 18. I was out of town at the time and could not get home for the memorial service. David always spent a lot of time at our house, and at times was like a 3rd son. About a month after he died I was still out of town.. (a LONG business trip) and was grocery shopping in Walmart. I turned a corner and saw a boy that looked just like David (at about age 12 NOT 18). Well I did lose it right there in Walmart in Butte, MT. I THANKFULLY hadn't gotten to the refridgerated and frozen section... I just said to one of the workers that I suddenly didn't feel well and had to leave.. and left my basket with her.. I held it together until I got to the car and cried the rest of the afternoon. The grief hit hard and heavy...

HUGS to you both Island Girl and Gina... and others who still grieve the loss of someone close..
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Old 09-19-2005, 10:03 AM   #11
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My father passed away 3.5 years ago. We were very close, I am almost 41 years old and not ashamed to say that I still get very teared up or even cry at times when I think of him. His birthday is coming up next week and I will visit his gravesite in Springfield at the Veterans Cemetary. I will bring my usual Marine Corps flag for him and sit and tell him whats been going on. I will cry because I do miss him a lot. 2 years at my birthday dinner, my girlfriends son asked if he could make a wish with me when I got my cake. Sure..go ahead. So he wished out loud and made everyone in the room cry. He said "I wish big John had a daddy again so he could do things with him like he used to"
Shoot, now I got all teared up again.
My point here is, if you loved someone, you may "get over" the death, you will get on with your own life....but please dont ever stop grieving for your loved one.
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Old 09-20-2005, 12:20 AM   #12
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Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. I got teary eyed reading them, but I realise that I'm not a freak for still crying and missing my father. We were very close, and I'm the eldest child. He told me many times that when I was born and he heard that it was a girl, he was disappointed. However, when he saw my face for the first time he was in awe. He said I changed his life, and he was never the same person again. All through my adult life I've found myself living near to my parents and wondering how come I ended up in the same city (though I had left them somewhere else) but they just seemed to gravitate toward me. My siblings moved along, and would call, write or visit but not very often. It was always my husband, children and myself that spent the majority of the time in the same city. Now I'm thankful that Daddy got to see my children as babies, and to see them reach high school. My son misses his grandfather and he too was extremely close, and was the very first grandchild to join the family.

Even on his death bed I played a part. The last night that Daddy was alive (1st July), both my sister and I were with him in the hospital room rubbing his feet, and I leaned over to kiss him and say goodnight. I don’t know if he knew we were there or if he heard us, but he looked very peaceful. They had him sedated and I suppose anyone that is sedated would look peaceful. Anyway, I said my goodbyes and told him that we would not pull the plug and that we would be back in the morning to see him. Then I left the room, and started down the hall but something pulled me back and I went to his room again. My sister was still there, and she saw me lean over him again, but this time I told him very softly “Daddy, if you want to go, you can go. I will never abandon Mummy.” Then I left the room. I cannot tell you why I did that and why I told him those words. Some people say that perhaps he called me back knowing that I knew him well enough to know what he wanted without speaking….

Sometimes I find myself wishing that I had a terrible father so I wouldn't ache like this. However, after reading your feelings I realise that it's okay, and that it will take time. More than anything else, I realise too that no one can tell me when to get over this. I'm thinking of joining a grief support group through the church. At least I will be with others who understand the pain.

Hope I didn't overdo with the writing. I just needed to share this with people who understand that losing a loved one is difficult. Also, I have continued working, exercising, and just picked up a new hobby ... geneaology, so I haven't allowed myself to be depressed. It just seems that everyone around me (friends and co-workers) expect me to be chipper and to not have changed after the shock of losing my dad. He wasn't ailing, so that's why it was such a blow. Still, I'm grateful to have had him this long.
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Old 09-20-2005, 02:19 PM   #13
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Grieving is a process. It takes time.

Sending you warm hugs and a nice cup of hot tea, dear!
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Old 09-20-2005, 02:45 PM   #14
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My daddy has been gone for 3 years now. I still get teary eyes when I think of him, in fact my mom showed me a note he had left her at one time she had put it in her Bible. She showed it to me last Sunday at church. It brought tears to my eyes. No matter how long it's been. You will always miss them.

This coming Oct. 25th would have been my first babies 26th b-day. She was still born. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. It's really tough for me in Oct. She was mine for nine months. Even though I never got to hold her, I miss her. I'm sorry I got off on this.

My prayers are with you. You grieve as long as you want to or need to.
Take care of yourself.
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Old 09-21-2005, 04:04 PM   #15
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When a loved one dies..it leaves a hole in our heart. Many times we try to fill that void with meaningless pleasures. I know that you are grieving. Let me tell you something...there is nothing wrong with it. Grieving is a natural human emotion and process. It does the heart good to grieve. I want you to turn to God. He is the only one who can help you with it. You should not place your trust in anyone else except God. I mean, who better to ease your suffring....He sacrificed His son for all of us. May God comfort and guide you.
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