Thread: Grieving
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Old 09-19-2005, 11:20 PM   #12
IslandGirl
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Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. I got teary eyed reading them, but I realise that I'm not a freak for still crying and missing my father. We were very close, and I'm the eldest child. He told me many times that when I was born and he heard that it was a girl, he was disappointed. However, when he saw my face for the first time he was in awe. He said I changed his life, and he was never the same person again. All through my adult life I've found myself living near to my parents and wondering how come I ended up in the same city (though I had left them somewhere else) but they just seemed to gravitate toward me. My siblings moved along, and would call, write or visit but not very often. It was always my husband, children and myself that spent the majority of the time in the same city. Now I'm thankful that Daddy got to see my children as babies, and to see them reach high school. My son misses his grandfather and he too was extremely close, and was the very first grandchild to join the family.

Even on his death bed I played a part. The last night that Daddy was alive (1st July), both my sister and I were with him in the hospital room rubbing his feet, and I leaned over to kiss him and say goodnight. I don’t know if he knew we were there or if he heard us, but he looked very peaceful. They had him sedated and I suppose anyone that is sedated would look peaceful. Anyway, I said my goodbyes and told him that we would not pull the plug and that we would be back in the morning to see him. Then I left the room, and started down the hall but something pulled me back and I went to his room again. My sister was still there, and she saw me lean over him again, but this time I told him very softly “Daddy, if you want to go, you can go. I will never abandon Mummy.” Then I left the room. I cannot tell you why I did that and why I told him those words. Some people say that perhaps he called me back knowing that I knew him well enough to know what he wanted without speaking….

Sometimes I find myself wishing that I had a terrible father so I wouldn't ache like this. However, after reading your feelings I realise that it's okay, and that it will take time. More than anything else, I realise too that no one can tell me when to get over this. I'm thinking of joining a grief support group through the church. At least I will be with others who understand the pain.

Hope I didn't overdo with the writing. I just needed to share this with people who understand that losing a loved one is difficult. Also, I have continued working, exercising, and just picked up a new hobby ... geneaology, so I haven't allowed myself to be depressed. It just seems that everyone around me (friends and co-workers) expect me to be chipper and to not have changed after the shock of losing my dad. He wasn't ailing, so that's why it was such a blow. Still, I'm grateful to have had him this long.
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